Whatever “Reformed courtship” is….

Reading Rick’s comments about courtship and chatting with Joshua made my brain cell start squirming.

One of the longest accounts we have of a Biblical “courtship” is in Genesis 24. When Eliezer was suing for Rebekah’s hand, he dealt with her brother Laban the entire time. Bethuel, the father, doesn’t come out in the story at all, except in passing (24:50).

In chapter 34, in the case of Dinah, Jacob’s daughter, Hamor and Shechem talk to both the father and the brothers (34:11), but it is the brothers who give the final answer (34:13), even though we know that Jacob is in full command of his faculties and is still capable of fulfilling his responsibilities as the father of the family. Granted, Simon and Levi were not model brothers. But it does not seem they were out of line when they spoke up in the “negotiations” over Dinah. We are told that Jacob was upset over the slaughter, but not over their speaking with Dinah’s prospective husband and father-in-law.

Besides those stories, there is Canticles 8:8. “We have a little sister … what shall we do for our sister in the day when she shall be spoken for?” Her brothers seem to take it for granted that they are the ones who will look over her when she is “spoken for.”

I’m not saying fathers are irrelevant. Of course, they are very important, especially if there are no brothers or if the brothers are incapable of involvement for some reason (e.g. too young, living too far away, etc.). But if there are brothers about the same age, it seems to me they should be actively involved in the courtship, and that is something that doesn’t seem to be emphasized much these days, if at all.

It is easier in some ways for a young man to be careful and behave himself while he spends time with the girl he is courting and her father than it is when he spends time with men about his own age. The brothers can get to know the suitor in ways that would be difficult, or maybe even impossible, for the father. By the same token, girls can often see through and get to know other girls more easily than their brothers, fathers, and mothers can. That’s another point that I feel is sorely neglected in the Reformed courtship discussions: the role of mothers and sisters of the courting couple. But never mind about that now.

All in all, I think there is too much emphasis placed on the role of the girl’s father to the exclusion of the other members of the family. “Father … father … father … daughter … suitor.” What about the other people in the family? Sometimes, it seems like

the courting couple + girl’s father + the families (in the abstract) = courtship

instead of there being specific roles for each member of the family.

OK, I’m done spewing some thoughts at 2 am.