For context about why this post was written, read this.

What is a household?

In the Bible, “house” or “household” is referred to almost 2000 times. In Hebrew it is the word “beth” (as in Bethlehem, Bethel, etc.) and in Greek it is the word “oikos” (economy, ecology, etc.). The phrase “head of household” does not occur anywhere in the Bible.

Neither the Hebrew nor the Greek word “household” ever refers to the nuclear family (one husband, his wife, and children). They are used in reference to

• a tribe,
• group of tribes,
• a nation,
• or a generational family (father, children, grandchildren, and unborn descendants).

It is also used to refer to a place of worship (tabernacle, temple, etc.). When used in the context of a family, a household always included possessions, i.e. human slaves and livestock.

Some people wish to carry on the system of household organization into the modern church citing the Philippian jailer being baptized with his family as an example of male headship in a nuclear family. However, they seem to miss the part in the same chapter where a wealthy woman is baptized with her household earlier in the same chapter. Although there is no mention of Lydia having male relatives, there is nothing in the chapter to indicate she was a widow.

So, in Acts 16, a woman is baptized with her household and a man was baptized with his household. I do not see any basis for male-only heads of household meetings. If anything, that would be the basis for patriarchal-matriarchal meetings where the oldest or most respected member of the family attends the meetings and all the younger members of the family, married or not, do not attend.

Households in the Church

So, what does this all mean for the modern Church? If we were to hold head of household meetings in the biblical or ancient sense, then only the oldest male or female of the extended family or clan could attend. Married sons whose fathers or mothers were still alive could not attend.

So in Christ Jesus you are all children of God through faith, for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ.

There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.

If you belong to Christ, then you are Abraham’s seed, and heirs according to the promise.

Galatians 3:26-29

Paul says this in order to break apart the Old Testament model of household so that we each go to Christ directly.

A slave is not part of his master’s household when he is at church. He is an equal heir to the Kingdom of Heaven, part of the Body and Bride of Christ, and a brother in the household of Christ.

There is no more circumcision anymore. There is no more representation by circumcision or heads of household anymore. We are each individually baptized into the Body of Christ.

Women no longer go to God through their husbands and fathers. And men no longer go to God through the priests. On Sundays, Christ invites us into Heaven, into the Holy of Holies. He is the High Priest and we are each priests under Him.

And from Jesus Christ, who is the faithful witness, the firstborn from the dead, and the ruler of the kings of the earth, to him who loves us and has freed us from our sins by his blood, and has made us to be a kingdom and priests to serve his God and Father—to him be glory and power for ever and ever! Amen.

Revelation 1:5-6

When we step into church, we are one household in Christ with Him as our Head. We do not gather as individual households (i.e. clans or groups of generational families).

Baptism & Communion

Baptism is administered by the pastor as a representative of Christ who is the Head of the Church. It is not administered by the father or husband. Baptism comes directly from Christ. Communion as a renewal of baptism should be administered by the pastor and elders not by the father or husband. Christ’s sacrifice is communicated to us from Him through His representative, not through a father or husband. Practicing communion by having a so-called “head of household” distribute the bread and wine to the family is totally unbiblical.

So are Man and Woman Equal?

A common response to all of the above seems to be the horrified question, “Are you an egalitarian? Do you believe men and women are completely equal?”

Men and women are obviously not the same. God has created them differently and given them different gifts. Men are better at some things and women are better at others. God created Man first and Woman second but neither is better or lesser than the other.

Both are equally His image. Both are equally saved. Men are not more saved than women. Saying that men and women are equal in some ways is not egalitarianism.

Though it is common to think of God as male because that is how He chooses to speak of Himself most of the time, God is both male and female. He speaks of Himself in both terms and symbolically is both. Christ in submission to the Father models female submission. He speaks of Himself in female terms (Matthew 23:27). There is much more to be said on this but I will leave it at that.

Both men and women are created in the image of God but are different in order to reflect different aspects of God. If God were only male, then women could not be created in His image.

To understand the relationship between men and women, we need to go back to the Trinity because we are all created in His image.

There is hierarchy within the Trinity, but that does not mean the Persons are not equal. Within the Trinity, the beings are equal but are ordered in a hierarchical relationship.

25. And in this Trinity none is afore or after another; none is greater or less than another.

26. But the whole three persons are coeternal, and coequal.

33. Equal to the Father as touching His Godhead, and inferior to the Father as touching His manhood.

(from the Athanasian Creed)

Before God, a man and woman are equal. But they were created into a hierarchy. To maintain order, God ordained that Man is first and Woman is second.

Within the nuclear family, a husband is over his wife. But even there, they are each to submit to Christ first. They are brother and sister in Christ first, husband and wife second. If either desires or requires something from the other that Christ commanded against, allegiance ought to be to Christ first, spouse second.

When a husband and wife step into church, they enter as brother and sister in Christ, co-priests and co-heirs. Christ has no higher order for male priests and lower order for female priests. There is no higher order for married men and lower order for single men. There is no male and female. They are one in Him.

Another matter that complicates things is that in both Hebrew and Greek, the word for “man” means both “man” and “husband” and the word for “woman” means both “woman” and “wife” so how it has been translated into English has been up to the translators’ discretion.

What about male abdication and feminism?

Given the tumultuous history of male and female relations in American history and in the church, it is understandable that American Christians are especially sensitive about the roles of men and women.

It was sin for a the man in the Golden Days of the Fifties to abdicate, not lead his wife and children, and leave her to drag the children to church on Sundays and teach them the Bible while he stayed home and polished the car or went fishing. Women stepped in and filled the void.

The correct response to this should not be to punish her for being a Deborah or a Jael. The correct response to the abdication of men is not to suppress women. The Man should rise up where he stood back and glorify Woman, lifting her higher.

It is as much abdication for a woman not to attend church worship or church functions as it is for a man.

Interestingly, in the Old Testament, because men were the ones who were circumcised into the Covenant and the women were saved through the circumcision of the men, women were not required to attend the holy feasts. It was only required for men over the age of 20 (e.g. Deuteronomy 16:16).

If we were to be consistent with the household system with its covenant head representation, then only the oldest adult male of a family, the patriarch, should be allowed to the heads of household meetings. His sons and grandsons, married or not, adult or not, are not heads of households.

Church Members Meetings

Maybe you will say a wife is covenantally represented by her husband at the head of household meetings and that it is biblical to do so. There is no precedent for this type of system anywhere in the Bible, Old Testament or New Testament. Just because there is no precedent for something does not necessarily make it wrong but perhaps it is something we should think over some more.

If we were truly going to follow this model, then married sons whose fathers are still alive would not be allowed to attend. If we believe each member of the church is baptized into the church without a male mediator (aka, Head of Household), believe that Christ is our only mediator, and believe that circumcision has been done away with now that we are each baptized into the covenant, then there is no way to have a system of church meetings that only allows heads of households to attend.

[The rest of the paragraphs below are about the particular structure of government in the local church we were attending.]

Additionally, it is incorrect to assume that the males attending the meetings have any kind of authority in the meeting. The men attend as sheep. The men of the congregation are in a female role, as the Bride of Christ. Their votes have no authority over the church.

It would invite less misunderstanding to rename church votes as an “opinion poll” because that is what they are. The votes have no authority as they do in secular political terminology but are merely a way for the elders to gauge where the church members stand. The elders make the final decision and they are not bound by the congregation’s “votes.”

Voting is not an exercise of democratic authority but is rather a submissive representative delegation.

Doug Wilson, Mother Kirk, p. 167

If the votes have no authority then for women to attend them and voice their opinions is an act of submission and not in any way exerting authority over anyone. It is a way for Christ to listen to His Bride.

And as all married folks know, no matter how wonderful a marriage is, communication is difficult and imperfect and it is extremely rare for a husband to be able to express fully (or even accurately!) what his wife would wish to say at the meetings or to relay back to her all the discussion at the meetings.

The purpose for having meetings in person is to communicate and discuss. Women have a valuable voice that cannot be fully expressed if they are not present.

Conclusion

If women are individually baptized members of the Bride, just as men are, and the church business meeting has no authority over anyone, and the votes are in reality opinion polls, there is no reason for women not to attend and participate. In fact they should be encouraged to do so.

Note: This post was written from notes collected after my husband and I studied this with some friends in July, 2011, because we were attending a church where the pastor instituted Heads of Household meetings which excluded women. The pastor of that church told me I was not allowed to write anything more on the topic on my blog or on Facebook or discuss it with anyone in person without permission from the head of my household, my husband, and from him, my pastor … so I did not publish this then.

I know that not all churches practice HoH meetings in the same way and the details of church government in Protestant churches varies greatly from local church to local church. This post was written as a response to the particular way it was practiced in the local church we used to attend. I hope it helps others who are thinking through the issue.

To all those who are concerned I am a rebellious wife, let me assure you that my husband and I are of one mind and one heart.

Among some people who believe in the doctrines of original sin and total depravity, there is an overwhelmingly heavy emphasis on sin in children, constantly pounding that point, telling them how horribly sinful they are, that it seems it is easy for parents to lose sight of the fact that their children are made in God’s image, beautiful, loving, forgiving. It is easy to forget how tenderly Jesus treated them and spoke of them.

Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven.” Matthew 19:14

At that time the disciples came to Jesus, saying, “Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?”
And calling to him a child, he put him in the midst of them and said,
“Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.
Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.
Whoever receives one such child in my name receives me,
but whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin,
it would be better for him to have a great millstone fastened around his neck and to be drowned in the depth of the sea.” Matthew 18:1-6

Amounts, ratios … they matter. They show the emphasis, what is considered important.

When children are constantly told how sinful they are, and more time is spent talking to them about their sin than about God’s love and forgiveness and the power of the Cross and Communion, then the darkness of sin will overshadow the Light in their hearts. As a parent, my most important task is to do whatever I can to reflect the light of God’s love, so they are surrounded by it no matter where they turn.

“Love makes you strong. Love makes you beautiful. Love makes you precious. God loves you. Mama loves you. Daddy loves you. [Insert long list of people who love the child here.] That makes you strong and beautiful and special.”

Most days, at the end of the day, I feel like such a failure as a parent. Then at bedtime when we talk about our day and I ask my children for forgiveness for the times during the day I was impatient or angry with them, I see how quick and happy they are to forgive, I see how eager they are to talk about Resurrection and Communion when we talk about sin, and I am so encouraged and overwhelmed by the love of God they reflect towards me. They are quick to ask for forgiveness from their parents and from each other, too.

Every now and then, we talk about more difficult aspects of love and forgiveness and repentance.

• Forgiveness is one-sided: whether the offending person repents, it is always required.
• Forgiving is NOT forgetting: restoration and reconciliation can only happen if both sides are repentant, open and honest.
• Depending on the offense involved, there are situations where reconciliation is not possible till after the Second Coming, but no matter what the situation, someday, everything will be resolved.

Over the last few months, as I have started consciously trying to learn from my children, listening to them, really listening, I have found myself drawing closer to God, listening to God, appreciating the small things, noticing more, and I have found that they are so much more willing to listen to me and learn from me.

And we are all so, so much happier.

God gave me to my children so He can speak to them through me. And He gave them to me so He can speak to me through them.

“Because children have abounding vitality, because they are in spirit fierce and free, therefore they want things repeated and unchanged. They always say, “Do it again”; and the grown-up person does it again until he is nearly dead. For grown-up people are not strong enough to exult in monotony.

But perhaps God is strong enough to exult in monotony. It is possible that God says every morning, “Do it again” to the sun; and every evening, “Do it again” to the moon. It may not be automatic necessity that makes all daisies alike; it may be that God makes every daisy separately, but has never got tired of making them. It may be that He has the eternal appetite of infancy; for we have sinned and grown old, and our Father is younger than we.”

? G.K. Chesterton

Fast forward a few years.

I have lived in America for six and a half years now. I still would never even think of calling myself a liberal. There’s too much about it that I cannot agree with. For example, I’m prolife.

However, I have changed a lot in certain areas. I still believe in a lot of the same things. But with a lot more qualifications now. I believe that shoppers have an ethical responsibility for what they buy, because whatever they buy, they are funding somebody. I found out that all kinds of things I used to buy without thinking are actually contributing to slave labor. I am paying evil men who buy slaves and force them to work in unthinkably horrible situations, being beaten, malnourished, and dying, all for what? So we can buy cheap, low-quality products at Walmart or the dollar store.

People around the world are literally dying, I am not exaggerating … people are dying so Americans can get a good deal.

Every time we spend money, no matter what we buy, we are helping some people and hurting some people. When we shop, it is impossible to separate shopping from ethics. If we shop righteously, as much as we are able, we are hurting unethical businesses and (I hope!) steering them towards ethical business practices because they want to stay in business and continue to make a profit. When we sacrifice the lives and perpetuate suffering for people we can’t see in countries far away so that we can get a good deal, we are hurting those people, our fellow creatures created in God’s image, and encouraging business to continue taking advantage of those people.

I know that it is not always possible to find out the source of the things we buy. I know that it is not always possible to afford to buy such things. But my plea is for people to start being more careful, paying more attention, and once you know something has an evil source, then quit buying it. Try the very best to stop supporting businesses that hurt people and seek out businesses that are blessing people.

Personally, there are a few things I am trying to pay attention to. And I try to keep my eyes open. Almost all the food we buy is local and organic. It is amazing how much better it tastes and how much healthier the children are. I try to buy recycled, used, local, handmade items as much as possible. When I buy chocolate, I try to make sure it’s fair trade, because so many people die to provide America with cheap chocolate (Hershey’s chocolate doesn’t just taste atrocious and  it isn’t just bad for your health, it’s hurting people). When I buy cotton clothing, I buy organic or used whenever I can because there are so many people dying to make cheap cotton.

There is something uniquely communal, Trinitarian, perichoretic, something really lovely, about buying something and knowing the face of the person who you are buying from, whether it’s a local farmer, coffee roaster, or someone with a stand at the farmer’s market. Next time you buy chocolate, or buy cotton clothing, take a moment. Stop. Think. Pay attention. Use your smart phone and Google. Or if you don’t want to think about each thing that you buy, then try to shop at a store that commits to organic, fair-trade, ethical products.

Just because shopping in modern America has become an impersonal, faceless thing does not mean there are not faces on the other side. We just can’t see them anymore. And many of them are suffering and dying so we can get two for $1 instead of one for $2 or $3 or $4 or $5.

I don’t believe that legislation will fix anything. I don’t think it will necessarily even help anything. The only real solution is for consumers to become more aware, to start paying attention, for people to examine their consciences about what their money will do to other people before they pounce on a great deal. Whatever the laws are, dishonest businessmen will find a way around them, as long as there is demand for unethically produced items.

My next related project is trying to find some way to get involved with micro-financing, so I not only discourage bad practices abroad but encourage and support good ones.

• Child Labor & Trafficking
• The GM genocide: Thousands of Indian farmers are committing suicide after using genetically modified
• How Much Do You Know About Where Your Halloween Candy Comes From?

Note: One more thing I love about Seattle: how so much of the population cares so much about ensuring that what they buy is ethical.

Her brain died. Most everything in it was irrecoverable.

But while she is cleaning butts and cooking and cleaning, certain background processes keep running even though the hard drive is about dead. This is what they look like.

Feel free add corrections or add your own outlines in the comments.

;

Crazy Mama Version 4.0, Crazy Wife Version 6.5
Copyright (c) 2012. All rights reserved.

C:\Users\Emeth>;GetCleaner.exe

A. Remove the child-proof rubber band.
    B. Take out the spray.
        C. Replace the rubber band.
            D. Use the spray.
A'. Remove the rubber band.
    B'. Put the spray back.
        C'. Replace the rubber band.

c:\Users\Emeth\MakePourOverCoffee.exe

I. Prepare Water
A. Turn on burner to high (fire).
    B. Fill kettle with water (water).
A'. Set kettle on burner (water on fire, glorified water).

II. Prepare Filter, Cone, & Mug
A. Get coffee mug, cone, and cloth filter (take hold).
B. Put cone on mug (restructure).
C. Wet filter (baptism).
D. Put into filter cone (restructure).

III. Prepare Beans
A. Open the cupboard (heavens open).
    B. Take out the container with the beans (take hold).
        C. Measure out beans into the grinder (restructure).
        C'. Grind beans (break down/restructure).
    B'. Put the container back (ascension).
A'. Close the cupboard (heavens close).

IV. Get Spoon
A. Open the drawer (take hold).
    B. Take out what you need (restructure).
A'. Close the freaking drawer (ascension).

IV. Prepare Grounds
A. Take out container with ground beans (take hold).
    B. Put them in filter (restructure).
    B'. Tamp grounds with spoon (restructure).
A'. Put back empty container and spoon (ascension).

IV. Pour Over Coffee
A. Turn off stove and get kettle (take hold).
    B. Pour water over coffee grounds (restructure).
A'. Put kettle back (ascension).

V. Drink Coffee
(take hold, restructure/redistribute into my belly, evaluate,
enjoy as much as possible while children burn themselves by
sticking fingers into it, beg to drink it and then burn
their tongues and cry, climb on my chair, pull my hair,
ask to nurse because they need to recover from shock of coffee
being as burning hot as it was yesterday morning, etc.)

Pour Over Coffee Through New Eyes

I know this post has an extremely limited audience (pretty much just nerdy BH fans). If you don’t get it, get this book. It’s available as a PDF for free online, too.

Growing up in Tokyo, I watched my father make pour over coffee hundreds of times. I now make it for myself every morning. It is a comforting ritual for me and I remember him every time I make it. I recently found out it is becoming a fad in the US (read more here).

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Important Note: On page 121 of Through New Eyes, the glass was not put back after being taken hold of, restructured, distributed, evaluated, and enjoyed. Something needs to be done about this glass because it drives women absolutely batty when glasses end up all over the place. This is not proper dominion. Please revise the Rite of Transformation in the next edition of the book. For lack of a better term (I am happy to be corrected), I have decided to call putting things back “ascension” because it reminds me of rest and heaven and peace, where there will be no poop or shrieking.

When two people get married, they exchange words, then words are pronounced to declare them husband and wife. When babies are born, parents give them a word to call them by. And from that point on for the next couple of decades, every word that comes out of their mouths shapes that baby’s world.

As my children are getting more verbal, they are saying things that I never said as a child, asking me things I never asked, and I am constantly taken off guard, searching for the right words. I need to take time to choose my words, because my words have the power to show them Love.

For the next few years, my words are how they know God and how they know themselves. My words, at least during their formative years, shape their reality.

And when they fight, and hit, and bite, and do all the things that kids do, I want to talk to them. I want to talk to them about love, Jesus’ love for us that makes it possible for us to love each other, love everybody else. I want them to know that love is the most powerful thing, more powerful than hate, more powerful than the sword, more powerful than death.

(Sidenote: If words are more powerful the sword, then they are more powerful than spankings, too. God’s Word is a two-edged sword and there’s an argument to be made that the rod of correction is His Word as well, not a literal rod.)

I’ve noticed that they already know this without realizing it. When they fight, one of the first things they say to each other is, “I don’t love you.” Or when they come crying, tattling, they say, “He doesn’t love me.” And I tell them that some words must never be spoken, some words must never, ever cross their lips. “I don’t love you” is not something we say in this family, because it is not true. I tell them, “It was wrong of him to do that. But he still loves you.” (Sometimes, that’s followed by a punch and I suppress the urge to slap everyone involved or run away screaming and crying, and I have to start all over again about kindness and the Golden Rule, blah blah blah.) But usually, after I tell them they love each other and tell them to hug, they start hugging and giggling.

I haven’t yet told them that if they keep saying something, it will become true. That is the power that words hold. If someone, anyone, is told the same thing over and over again, that will become true for that person, whatever it is. That is why there are some things that I don’t let them say.

The more you tell someone, “I love you,” the more you will love that person. And the more you tell someone, “I don’t love you,” the less you will love that person.

People use words in set ways and repeat things over and over again. We were created to say the same thing over and over again. We can choose what we say over and over again.

And that is why I want to sing. Songs are glorified words, words with extra power because they are beautiful and easy to remember and repeat. I am not doing a good job of singing anymore. We used to sing every day. I need to start that up again.

There are some things I tell my children and I try to tell them every day. I didn’t get to tell them today. I was too exhausted and then they all fell asleep. But last night, this is what I said to Thane as I held him before he fell asleep. He usually loves it when I start saying this and snuggles in close.

These are the words I tell my children. These are the words I want to shape them with. As they get older, what I repeat will change and grow. But for now, I think this is what they need: love and assurance of love.

God loves you. God loves you so much He sent Jesus down to this earth. Jesus loves you so much He paid for all your sins and conquered death and Satan. (Mama! The dragon! He killed Satan! Like Saint George!) And then the Holy Spirit came down to be with us always, everywhere.

You are my favourite Thaney. You are my favourite 2-year-old in the whole wide world. I will always, always, always love you.

Daddy loves you. Mama loves you. Bubu loves you. Buddy loves you. Baby Prester loves you.* We will always love you. Always, always. Forever and ever.

*(Occasionally this section becomes really long as he starts adding grandparents, uncles, kids from church, random strangers at the park, characters from books and Netflix … “Spiderman loves me? Clifford loves me?” “Ahhh, uhhh, yeah, Thaney.” Let’s go back to “Daddy loves you. Mama loves you.”)

These ideas pretty nearly all came from the books by Eugen Rosenstock-Huessy that my father introduced me to (I miss you, Papa!). All my books are sitting in boxes after my third move in 8 months and because Life keeps chucking things above the bookshelves in the priority on our shopping list, I can’t get to them yet so I have no quotes or anything from him.

If you enjoy having your mind blown away and then put back together in a way you could never have imagined, start reading some of his books.

• The Origin of Speech
• Speech and Reality
• I Am an Impure Thinker

You can order all his books and find out more about him at ArgoBooks and at the Eugen Rosenstock-Huessy Society.

Looking back from eternity future to my life in the present, as each moment becomes the past, I feel every day more and more how fleeting my time on this earth is. And as my children become visibly bigger every day, and learn to do new things, learn new words, feel new feelings, time passes faster and faster.

I look at them wistfully, knowing that my time as a mother is getting shorter and shorter with each passing moment. My relationship with them as a mother will only be for a few more years. Then after that, for all eternity, my children will be my brothers.

In fact, they are already my baptized brothers in Christ and He has only put them into my care temporarily. They are God’s children first, as I am. They are my children second.

Don’t call me an egalitarian. If you know me, I am far from it. However, egalitarianism is an oversimplification and a misrepresentation of an eternal truth: each of us is equal before Him. And thinking of my children as being my baby brothers has partially changed the way I relate to them. (It also affects how husbands and wives relate to each other, but that is a whole different topic.)

Every finite human reflects the infinite Trinity. And though we are finite, there are more aspects to each of us than we know. I am the normal things: daughter, sister, wife, mother. And I am part of the Bride of Christ. The Bible also says I am a son and brother.

When I call my children my brothers, I am not downplaying or denying that I have been given authority and responsibility as a parent, I am mentioning an aspect of parenting that I do not hear as often, which I wish I could: parents and children as eternal brothers.

Confessing & Forgiving

Remembering it has helped me keep my attitude in check and it is something I have been thinking about a lot on and off for the past year. It has brought about two changes in the last few months in my daily interaction with my children that I never expected: I started confessing my sins against my children to them and asking for their forgiveness and after I started doing that they began to point out blatantly obvious shortcomings to me and to my husband when we are in the middle of committing them.

At first, it was not easy for me to get on my knees, look into their eyes, and ask for forgiveness. Not just say, “Hey, I’m sorry,” or “I’m not perfect, nobody is” or “Parents make mistakes sometimes, y’know,” but truly ask for forgiveness: “I sinned when I did that. Would you please forgive me?” But as I did it over and over, it became easier and easier.

When my older two (verbal) children suddenly started telling me when I was sinning and telling me to stop it, I was shocked! I was angry! How disrespectful! How dare they! I had clearly lacked teaching them the Fifth Commandment! But as I thought about it, I realized maybe it wasn’t so bad after all. Maybe it was even … right? Yes, I now believe it is. Because God’s law is above us all. And they are my brothers.

Last week, my husband and I were trying to figure out what we were going to pick up at Costco. I can’t even remember what we were saying exactly because we weren’t disagreeing about anything but decibels were getting higher because we were, y’know, so tired (2 teething babies), so hungry, and we both really hate talking about money.

My 3-year-old son walked into the kitchen and said calmly said to me in a very grown-up voice, “Mama, stop yelling at Daddy.” He turned to Ben, “Daddy, stop yelling at Mama.” Then he looked at both of us with his hands up, admonishing us, “OK? Talk nicely.” And he left the kitchen.

Every time I remember it, I end up laughing out loud at how he talked to us like a little adult when we were acting like children. I’m so thankful and happy that he was completely unafraid to approach us and talk to us that way even though he could tell we were upset.

Eventually, of course, we’ll have to have a talk about when it’s appropriate and inappropriate to confront people. But for now, I’m happy with him.

My children sin against God and against me every day. But I sin against God and against my children every day as well.

I believe that one of the most important things I can do as a parent is to make sure I acknowledge my sins to my children, especially my sins against them, and ask for their forgiveness. Not just say, “I shouldn’t have done that,” or “I’m sorry,” but “Please forgive me for [this specific sin] that I committed against you.” True repentance is very specific.

It is difficult for anyone to acknowledge sin but it is especially difficult for those in authority to acknowledge wrongdoing to those below them. Asking for forgiveness from my children when I have wronged them is not only the right thing for me to do and required of me, I am doing it in order to set an example of repentance for them to follow (as pitiful as my example may be).

Sometimes, my children try to apologize saying, “I’m sorry but I hit him because he took my toy.” I tell them that when they are asking for forgiveness, they need to say, “Please forgive me for hitting you,” without adding blame on the other child.

“I’m sorry but you made me do it” does not count.

And it doesn’t count when adults say it either. Repentance needs to needs to be a wholehearted without any blame on anyone else. To my dismay, I have found myself blaming my children when I am asking for their forgiveness. (I tend to do the same with my husband as well.)

• I lost my temper because you did not do what I said.
• If you would have obeyed me, than I would not have done such and such.
• I would have been more patient if you didn’t whine at me.

Children who hear this type of false “repentance” from parents often end up feeling responsible not only for their own sins but their parents’ sins as well … until they are old enough to recognize the hypocrisy. Then they lose respect for parents who “confess” this way.

Frankly, I think it’s worse to give a false apology assigning blame to someone else than not to apologize at all because it is easier to pretend you have done the right thing and pat yourself on the back for being “righteous” or “humble” for saying you’re sorry.

Our behaviour as parents is obviously related to how our children behave but for us to blame our children for our own shortcomings is utterly despicable and it teaches children to blame their own sins on others as Adam did in the Garden.

• “The woman, she made me do it.”
• “My kids, they made me do it.”

If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:8-9

Conclusion

As a paedobaptist and paedocommunionist, I believe our children are our brothers in Christ and we are commanded to confess our sins to one another.

If parents are not willing to repent of the sins they commit against their children, and ask for forgiveness from their children, they are teaching their children that it is OK for those in authority to sin with impunity.

When parents ask for forgiveness from their children for sinning against them, they are setting an example of humility and contrition that their children will take with them to eternity. And I am always so astonished at how children forgive so quickly and wholeheartedly. I think that must be part of what Jesus meant when He commanded adults to be like little children.

When you were a child….

• Did you feel like you could always run up to your parents and get a hug and a kiss?
• Did you want them to hold you for comfort?
• Did you feel loved and secure?
• Did you have assurance of your salvation?
• When you sinned, were you confident of being forgiven?
• Did you enjoy spending time with your parents?

• How do you want your children to feel every day?
• How do you want them to remember you?
• How do you want them to remember their childhood?

What do you want your children to think about who God is and how He loves us?

Feel free to agree or disagree, let me know or not. If it helps you, that’s great. If not, well, I hope you find something else that does.

What I have written below is some of what I currently believe in a quite disorganized (and perhaps incoherent, definitely incomplete) form but I needed to write it down even if I don’t have time to write it perfectly and have it edited perfectly. I pray that God will have mercy on all of us parents whatever we end up doing in our day-to-day practice.

Where I’m Coming From

I grew up being spanked and until I had children of my own I fully planned to spank them as I believed the Bible required. My husband also believed the same. After personal examination of the Bible over a few years, my husband and I and various friends (some of them online friends whom I’ve never even met), almost all of whom started off studying assuming that spanking was biblical and required by God, separately came to the same conclusion: that while it may be possible to use spanking as a tool in Christian parenting, it is not a biblical requirement. Some of us are still working on detailed papers with all the passages and proofs.

Meanwhile, I think these sites are valuable resources.

• Parenting Freedom
  While I do not agree with every single thing on this page, the sections called “Is Spanking Really in the Bible?” and “Child (Na’ar) in Proverbs” and the sections about the rod are very helpful, well-researched, and well-thought out.
• Get Off Your Butt Parenting
  Get off your butt parenting! Sometimes, spanking is just plain lazy parenting. I love this site!
• Mothering By Grace
  A site with a lot of information about Christian positive parenting.

What Is The Real Question?

Let me make it clear that my main contention is not with spanking per se but the attitude or misplaced emphasis of truths that seems to accompany it in certain conservative Christian circles. To spank or not to spank is not really the central question at all. Spanking is a side issue in the larger topic of parenting, and how we parent is part of the even larger issue of what we believe about who God is and how He relates to us.

Here are the questions I believe are more relevant to the broader issue.

1. What does it mean to have authority? Lording it over those under us? Ministering unto them patiently?
2. How do we primarily view our own children? Precious lambs and covenantal children of God? Vipers in diapers whose sin needs to be stomped out?
3. How do we want our children to primarily view God? Sinners in the hand of an angry God? Young lambs in the hand of a tender, protective shepherd?

Authority

There is so much to be said about authority and so many conflicting views. I think Jesus summarizes it perfectly here.

But Jesus called them to him and said, “You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great ones exercise authority over them. It shall not be so among you. But whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be your slave, even as the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” Matthew 20:25-28

Those with God-given authority (parents, pastors, etc.) are abusing their authority unless they are serving, literally, being like slaves to those who they have authority over. As parents, that does not just mean holding down a job and coming home with a paycheck, doing the laundry and cooking, it means serving them instead of lording it over them in every area of our interaction with them.

Shepherding & Rods, Wrath & Comfort

To be a parent, to be a shepherd, we need to understand the weaknesses of those under us, be patient with them, and love them unconditionally and self-sacrificially. A shepherd serves the sheep, guides them to water and pasture, and protects them from predators.

The shepherd does not use the rod against his flock. He uses it to protect the flock from predators. That is why it is so comforting. I have seen dogs who flinch at the sight of a rolled-up newspaper, even if they are with a new owner who has never abused them. I have seen children who flinch in fear when their parents simply raise a hand to put their hair behind their ears. Yes, it is good to have a healthy fear of God. But I do not think a healthy fear means living in constant fear of His wrath. Healthy fear should be overshadowed by assurance of unconditional love.

Children should know that God is full of wrath against unrighteousness. But they should also know that He is full of love towards those who repent. When they sin, they should have more remorse because it saddens Him than fear of His wrath against them for sinning.

Physical beatings do not usually fill children with remorse. It can change their behaviour to what you demand, it can make them compliant to your will (or “obedient” if you prefer). But it often fills them with helplessness and terror, and rage born of that fear, none of which they can express because they are too afraid of the beating they will get if they express it.

If shepherds beat their lambs on their backs with those big rods, there would be mass lamb slaughter, not flocks full of obedient lambs. How often does God beat us for all the things we do wrong every day? How often does He give us what we deserve?

Are They Elect?

So, are our children primarily precious little lambs or vipers in diapers? I know that the question is setting up a false dichotomy because both are true to a degree but where we place our emphasis on what they are is important and will affect how we relate to them. I definitely do believe in original sin. However, at the same time, as a covenantal paedocommunionist, I believe that when God placed children into our families, He did so trusting us to treat them as little believers, precious lambs of God, already saved, presumed elect unless proven otherwise.

Focus & Emphasis: Cross or Resurrection? Death or Life? Sin or Forgiveness? Fear or Assurance?

Supposing children are elect, when they sin, instead of focusing primarily on the sin itself and God’s hatred of it, what needs to be emphasized is God’s love and forgiveness and how He welcomes sinners always, anywhere, anytime. When speaking of Jesus, instead of focusing on His death on the cross because of our sin, what needs to be emphasized is His resurrection, His love for us and His power over sin and death, how He is with us all the time, everywhere, and has given us His Spirit to indwell us.

God invites us into His House week after week to tell us that He loves us. He wants us to come to Him, eat with Him, make our peace with Him. No matter what we have done, He welcomes us with open arms and forgives us every time we ask for it.

No matter how we treat Him, He is faithful every day. He shows us the wild glory and beauty of the sun and the rain, the wind and the snow, the moon and the stars, and every night we go to bed never doubting that the sun will rise in the morning because He loves us constantly, consistently, unwaveringly.

I believe that is how we should treat our children. We should treat them so they want to come to us no matter what they have done. They should have full and complete assurance that we love them no matter what they have done. There is something wrong if children hesitate to approach their parents because they think they might get a beating.

Presenting God To Children

Our children are born trusting and loving us. That is how God created them to be. He gave us to them to show who He is through how we treat them. When children misbehave, we need to tell them about God’s love and remind them of the Cross and Resurrection, remind them of the Body and the Blood. We as parents misbehave and disobey God every single day. We fall short every single day. God does not “spank” us daily for our infractions. That is not how He loves us.

When I think about how God loves us from day to day, it seems to me that he covers our sins and forgives us of them before we even repent or realize them and embraces us lovingly from day to day.

God & His Smitings

In the last few years, I’ve seen adults treat each other unspeakably terribly countless times, I’ve seen parents mistreat their children, I’ve seen pastors abuse their flocks, all these things justified using the name of God, and God seems to do nothing about it. He is patient with them. He is gentle. I wish He’d zap them with lightning or maybe open the earth and swallow them whole, or at least strike them with some kind of non-serious, temporary disease, but no, they walk around every day in fine health and continue to do these things.

If children are spanked for every infraction, does that teach them who God really is? Does that teach them about how the world works? I used to think so. I’m not so sure anymore. When I was a child, I thought God was waiting up in heaven with handfuls of punishments just waiting to be hurled down on people. Then I grew up and kept waiting for Him to punish people, squash them, humiliate them, or at the very least stop them from hurting other people … and it just hardly EVER happens.

Welcoming The Prodigal

I think many Christians would follow the kind of advice Dave Ramsey (whom I truly admire, by the way) dispenses on his radio show to parents of prodigals: turn them away and let them figure things out on their own. After all, he squandered his entire inheritance, presumably on wine, women, and song.

In Jesus’ story, the parable He told us to teach us how to treat our children, the father of the prodigal son did not spurn or curse him. He could have been a good ol’ American dad and shown his son some tough love and turned him away to teach him a lesson. He could have put him on trial at the gate with the elders and have them condemn him to a public beating as was his right as a Jewish father. But what he did was run to his son with open arms and welcome him and kill the fatted calf and throw a feast for him.

That is how God loves us, day after day. If Jesus tells us it was good for the father to welcome his horrible prodigal son that way, what does that mean for us? None of our young children sin as horribly as the prodigal did.

Therefore welcome one another as Christ has welcomed you, for the glory of God. Romans 15:7 ESV

In many situations with children, I think a hug and a good, long talk is more appropriate than a spanking. Or for young babies (under age 2, for example), a nursing is usually more appropriate than a spanking.

We Are All Babies

We sit in God’s lap and spit in his face. He does not spank us. He wipes His face and kisses us back. I have learned to do that with my babies when they spit or claw at me. Instead of pushing them away or spanking them, I have learned to delight in their chubby fingers that are learning to grasp, in their little curved lips that are learning to spit and sputter. And I kiss them. The same patience and love that is so easy to show to our babies, we need to show to our toddlers and children throughout their childhood, all the way to adulthood.

From God’s infinite perspective, no matter how wise we get, we are no different from our babies in wisdom and self-control.

God Used To Kill People, Therefore We Spank Our Children … Really?

In the Old Testament, there are many instances of people being struck to death by God. I really do not see how that can be an argument for spanking young children. It seems rather irrelevant to me.

I think it is far more telling that there is not a single instance of a baby or child being spanked in the Bible. Not one.

If the State has the power of capital punishment, the Church has excommunication, and the Family has the rod, an illustration I’ve heard quite a few times, then it just goes to show that the rod is something to be used only in the most extreme circumstances and not something to be used daily.  It is so bizarre to me that advocates of “biblical spanking” (though there is no such thing as “spanking” in the Bible anywhere, I’m not kidding) often bring up capital punishment in their arguments.

Conclusion

To summarize, spanking itself perhaps can be a tool in Christian parenting for some people but it is one that can be very easily abused and is very often abused in the name of God, touted as a biblical requirement when in fact spanking small children is not a biblical requirement at all.

In the spirit of the God’s law that allows some murderers to go free instead of damning all suspects to death, I believe it is far better to err on the side of spanking too little than too much.

It is far better to “err” on the side of too much grace and patience … like God does with us every day.

Additional Information

The Bible commands us to train up our children. It commands us to discipline them. Any profession requires those things. Electricians, doctors, computer programmers, carpenters, no matter what you do, you need training to learn to do it and discipline to keep at it. None of them require physical beatings. It is possible to train and discipline children without beatings as well.

I plan to write more about this later but here are some Christian sites with a wealth of information.

Positive Parenting

• Mothering by Grace
• Get Off Your Butt Parenting
• Parenting Freedom
• And the Bible Sayeth, Train up a Child in the Way He Should Go (by a Christian medical doctor, William Sears, M.D.)
• Gentle Christian Mothers Resources: click here and click here.

Spanking Info

• The Christian History of Spanking
• The Spencer Spanking Plan
• Are the Rod Verses Literal or Figurative?
• To Spank or Not To Spank?A 6th-century abbot and a group of 17th-century Calvinist “divines” weigh in on the issue
• The Rod Is A Means of Grace
• How Spanking Changed My Life (see links and comments at the end of article)
• 10 Reasons Not To Hit Your Child
• How Spanking Can Cause Sexual Arousal In Children And Affect Them In Adulthood

For some people, spanking can cause sexual problems that are irreversible or very difficult to reverse. I personally know several people, both male and female, who have had sexual problems because of spankings they received as a child. This post is for them and for all of us who love God and love our children.

I know the parents of these people never meant to abuse them in any way, certainly not sexually. I know these parents spanked in love believing it was what God commanded them to do. They had no idea they were hurting their children and causing them long-term psychological pain and damage.

There is a wealth of material which explains this phenomenon online but a good deal of it is vehemently anti-Christian so I thought maybe information presented from a Bible-believing Christian who used to believe the same thing would be more easily palatable.

Spanking a child on the buttocks, especially if naked and repeatedly, brings a rush of blood to the entire genital area which can cause involuntary sexual arousal. As the children are spanked over and over again, some children’s brains become hardwired to associate terror, shame, guilt, and physical pain with sexual arousal.

As children are spanked after they have a sense of shame, if they are spanked on their bare bottoms, it increases the sexual shame they feel.

Some people learn to disassociate these feelings later on in life. But others never do.

This means when they see or hear violence (other children getting spanked, see images of pain/torture such as an Auschwitz documentary, etc.), they become automatically aroused. This can cause years of confusion because children do not know why they feel this way but they know something is very wrong.

During adolescence, when they realize that these feelings are sexual arousal, it makes things even worse and the confusion turns to self-loathing. Many times, they have nobody to talk to about these feelings, especially if they are living mostly in a Christian context (home schooled, etc.). Seeing and hearing these types of things still bring on arousal even decades later in adulthood.

Many of these people who become aroused by hearing or seeing spankings or aroused by seeing pain and torture become convinced they are perverts because they do not know the cause: the spankings they received as children. Some of these people choose not to marry because they are so afraid and ashamed of themselves.

Some do get married and when they are with their spouses, they are filled with feelings of terror, shame, and guilt when they get aroused. Or when they are aroused, they involuntarily, instinctively find themselves wanting to have pain inflicted on them. Women with this problem often have trouble with getting beyond the first stages of arousal.

When they become parents, some find themselves horrified at becoming sexually aroused when they spank their own children.

Spanking in the context of sexual abuse is a problem that is not “kosher” to talk about in conservative Christian circles but it is a problem that definitely exists and it is not incredibly rare either. Most Christians with this problem feel too ashamed to admit it at all and if they do they are very reluctant to talk about it in public. None of the people who have talked to me about this feel ready to speak up publicly because they do not want to hurt their parents or they fear other repercussions. Some of them are closet non-spankers because their churches teach that it is sinful NOT to spank.

To be truly faithful to the Bible, beatings should be done on the back (not the buttocks) with big, thick wooden rods. The Bible doesn’t say to use your hand or a paddle or a switch or a spatula on a baby or a young child’s butt. The area that is supposed to be beaten is the back. Arbitrarily deciding to change things around is not being faithful to what the Bible says.

“Well, obviously, children would DIE if we actually used rods or whips on their backs so we’re just going to use a paddle on their bottoms instead.”

Click here for more information about why spanking is not actually commanded in the Bible.

I can understand how people get there because I used to be in the same place myself. They are simply obeying the teachings of people they trust. But as adults, we can’t afford to just believe everything we’re told. It’s time to for Bible-believing Christians to rethink extra-biblical, cultural teachings such as spanking.

Just because some or even most children do not have adverse results from spankings (or at least are reluctant to talk about them) and remain in the faith is not proof that spankings were instrumental in that and it certainly does not mean spanking itself is a biblical.

Sexual stimulation can be cross-wired with spankings. Here is a testimonial written by a girl who grew up in a Christian family who finally decided to go public about her experiences.

Additional Information

The Bible commands us to train up our children. It commands us to discipline them. Any profession requires those things. Electricians, doctors, computer programmers, carpenters, no matter what you do, you need training to learn to do it and discipline to keep at it. None of them require physical beatings. It is possible to train and discipline children without beatings as well.

I plan to write more about this later but here are some Christian sites with a wealth of information.

Positive Parenting

• Mothering by Grace
• Get Off Your Butt Parenting
• Parenting Freedom
• And the Bible Sayeth, Train up a Child in the Way He Should Go (by a Christian medical doctor, William Sears, M.D.)
• Gentle Christian Mothers Resources: click here and click here.

Spanking Info

• The Christian History of Spanking
• The Spencer Spanking Plan
• Are the Rod Verses Literal or Figurative?
• To Spank or Not To Spank? (A 6th-century abbot and a group of 17th-century Calvinist “divines” weigh in on the issue)
• The Rod Is A Means of Grace & More on Tripp & Spanking
• Tedd Tripp’s Shepherding A Child’s Heart (really great article)

I think it’s because I’m so happy and thankful to be here with Ben and our children and so in love with this house and with this place.

This old house was built for families, not for parents who work and put their kids in school and are only use the house to watch TV and sleep.

It’s small (by American standards; huge by Japanese, lol) but so functional.

I washed dishes this morning by hand and emptied the junk out of the sink into the trash can because there’s no disposal. It’s like all the kitchens I grew up with. It’s so familiar and comforting.

Everywhere I look, inside the house and outside, everything is beautiful. The air is soft and smells like flowers. There are so many trees and greenery everywhere.

For the first time since I moved to America, I feel like I belong where I am right now.

I love Seattle. Thank you for bringing us here, honey.