“Shyness is just egoism out of its depth.” – Penelope Keith

“Shyness has a strange element of narcissism, a belief that how we look, how we perform, is truly important to other people.” – Andre Dubus

Most of my life, people have called me an extrovert but I’m not. Except for my family and the friends I grew up with, I don’t like being in large groups of people even if I know them and I really, really don’t like meeting new people. Since I got married and moved here 5 years ago, I’ve been going to the same church but I still feel like I don’t know people very well and every Sunday I have to take a deep breath before I walk in. I feel like there’s a force field around church or people I don’t know and I have to push, push, push through. I’d rather not force myself to but that wouldn’t be right.

Just thinking about meeting new people makes my stomach queasy. And when I do meet new people, my palms get cold, I break out in a sweat, sometimes my mouth gets dry, I get dizzy or get an instant headache, my mind goes blank. I put my foot in my mouth, and then my other foot, and then shove them both down my throat, and when it’s all over, I walk away feeling like a total idiot.

After I while, I realized it didn’t matter what people think of me. I still struggle with this sometimes, because I don’t enjoy knowing that people think I’m an idiot or knowing that they dislike me for some reason but oh, well, that’s their problem. Not that they’re missing much by not knowing me. Not everyone has to be friends. Not everyone can be friends. Some people just don’t click. There’s nothing wrong with that and people don’t have to try to be friends if they don’t want to be.

Being shy is not necessarily something we can change but fortunately, acting shy is a choice. Often enough, it is an excuse for selfishness and a cover for egotism. It is selfish to expect other people to put work into trying to get to know you and then getting hurt or angry when you think they don’t try hard enough. I ask myself, “What makes me so special that everyone else should work to get to know me and I should stand around basking in the attention?” I am not that special.

For most of my adult life, especially in recent years, when I’ve been in emotional pain or difficult situations, I’ve been told repeatedly to “Suck it up” and “Just get over it.” It’s the most unhelpful advice ever. It’s annoying and hurtful. But when it comes to shyness, there isn’t too much to say except to stop pandering to it.

Forcing yourself to do things you don’t like to do is part of the difference between being a child and being an adult. I can sympathize with shy children. But, as a shy adult who has to deal with my own shyness constantly, I have no sympathy for shy adults.

If you’re shy and OK not having any friends, then don’t complain about it and don’t expect other people to keep trying to get to know you because every time you say, “I’m shy,” you are being rude and rejecting them.

If you’re shy and you want friends, stop talking about how shy you are or trying to manipulate people into feeling sorry for you. Just get over yourself already.

Good grief!